Baby cows

I picked-up the June issue of Men's Journal from my work mailbox earlier this week. (Free magazines: one of the few reasons I stay in advertising.) I start flipping through the magazine on my way home today and start reading an article titled "Six-pack abs, made to order." The article is about this new high-definition liposculpture surgery--it's basically super precise lipo that can sculpt fat to look like muscle.

I roll my eyes.

Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't mind being all cut up like some Abercrombie & Fitch model, but I wouldn't do surgery. Come on, is anyone in such dire need of a six-pack that they would undergo an $8,000+ surgery? I don't think such a person exists. Not in my world.

But wait, it gets better.

I continue reading and get to a diagram where they list the top plastic surgery procedures men choose to undergo. Nose and eye jobs account for nearly 50% of all male plastic surgery--ok, you might snore or you might have developed those skin flaps that impair your vision. Next on the list are hair transplant (ok, understood), chin implant (odd, but understandable), male breast reduction/implants (sure, I could use those too), penis enlargement (hee hee, they said penis--and now I've said it too!), and calf implants.

Calf implants.

WTF? Calf implants? People want to make their calves bigger? This is a thing? This is something people lose sleep over (I assume you're losing sleep if you're willing to undergo surgery)? I mean, how often do you even see a guy's calves? They're usually covered by pants.

The article writes: "Calves are notoriously hard to develop." That's it--that is the justification provided for getting calf surgery, which starts at $5,500. Can't $5,500 get you a personal trainer that will not only make your calves bigger, but your entire body healthier?

I then take a look at my calves. I'll be honest: my calves are pretty sweet. I have received very few genetic blessings when it comes to my body, but well-defined calves I did get. There was even someone who told me in high school (when I was overweight and not exercising) that my calves should be used in an anatomy class. (I'm pretty that was intended to be a compliment.)

Since the proof is always in the pudding, here is the pudding:

Ok, this picture makes them look scary. I swear, I do look like a normal human when I walk around...just don't ask me to flex my calves. (Also, you can't imagine how silly I felt running back and forth across the living room to take this picture. Where is wifey when I need her?)


Nitmos, I'm honored to be the sole victim...um...no, wait, victim is the right word--the sole victim of your tagging. That will be this weekend's post.


Jess said...

You've never heard of calf implants?! Oh, my friend, move back to SoFlo and you can feast your eyes upon the sea of plastic-enhanced drones -- with dazzling calves!

The Laminator said...

Hey dude...nice calves! I totally agree with you though. The only people who check out calves are runners and runners by definition have awesome calves, so the only people who would lose sleep over their calves are definitely NOT runners!


Laura said...

Just saw from Lam's comment... happy birthday!!!

Are you guys going running tomorrow or skipping it due to the heat? I'm game for a run. 89th and Lex at 9 AM? How far/fast do you go?

sRod said...


I'm actually going to stick to running around Astoria this weekend since I need to wrap up my run pretty quickly tomorrow morning. How about next weekend at the runner's shop at 89th & Lex?

Marcy said...


Ooooo dude I've totally heard of calf implants. MTV's True Life "I'm Getting Plastic Surgery" (or something like that) anyway this dude decided that he NEEDED it because it was the only part of his body that didn't look defined even though he worked his calves like crazy. All his friends said the same thing you said "Are you serious?!? Who cares!" But he still did it any way. Dolt.

chia said...

Ya, I can remember the last time I desired a man for his hot throbbing calf muscles. Ya.

Seriously, who do these peeps do this for? It's not like you really see your own calf muscles... they are a little far from line of sight.

Congrats on acquiring another year of age :-D.

Xenia said...

I saw the same show as Marcy! Poor deluded twit (the guy in the show, not Marcy). He was admiring his new calves after the surgery and then blood starts to drip down his leg from the incision. So not cool.

Happy belated birthday!

Nitmos said...

Now if you could lipo out the midsection making six pack abs and use that gunk to implant the calves, that would be a real two-fer!

nwgdc said...

wow! unfortunately i need to disagree with the Lam. i am a runner, and my calves are terrible. My legs kinda look like two long dunce caps. progressively getting narrower as they go down, but without any real signs of definition along the way. ugh.

still, calf IMPLANTS? come on!

Run For Life said...

I wonder if the implants are firm...or jiggle...or if the implant is firm but underneath it jiggles. Now I'm creeping myself out. Anyway, a little late: Happy Birthday!

J said...

I actually saw a documentary following this guy around who had the calf implants. He thought it would make him better with the girls. Afterwards, the calves were noticed but he didn't do any better with the girls. There is a lesson in that I am sure was lost on him.

Moon said...

Oh, man, my 25th was on the 6th! Happy semi-co-birthdayin'!

Damn sweet calves y'got, too - you keep right on running all that crazy definition into them! I'm sure I'll be back fairly soon to work on some more sculpting of my own :)